Unmasking the ‘Performative Male’: A New Dating Phenomenon

The concept of the “performative male” has emerged as a notable trend in modern dating culture, characterized by men who project curated personas to attract potential partners. This term describes individuals who adopt traits such as emotional intelligence and cultural awareness, not necessarily because these qualities are genuine, but because they appeal to what many women seek in a partner.

Men now carefully craft their dating profiles, often including mentions of therapy, outdoor activities, and child-friendly images to signal their suitability. According to Kyler Shumway, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Time for Therapy, this behavior represents “masculinity as performance,” where the identity is tailored for approval rather than authenticity.

Understanding the Rise of the Performative Male

The idea of performing in dating is not new; many have exaggerated their heights or interests to gain attraction. However, the “performative male” phenomenon has gained traction recently, with Google searches for the term surging since July 2023. The cultural zeitgeist has even inspired satirical performances, including contests in various locations that poke fun at this behavior. For instance, a participant in a San Francisco event was seen showcasing items like a recently purchased mandolin and a copy of Michelle Obama‘s memoir, Becoming, to enhance his image.

Social media has played a significant role in shaping this trend, with meme accounts humorously depicting the performative male as a “Brooklyn-based creative slash DJ slash photographer.” This portrayal underscores how the performative aesthetic has become a target of satire, even as it continues to influence real-life dating dynamics.

Shumway notes that this trend is not merely a joke for many men; it serves as a survival tactic. He explains that societal expectations often lead men to adopt a narrow script about masculinity, which can hinder their authenticity. As platforms like TikTok and AI tools allow men to optimize their dating profiles, the pressure to conform to this performative ideal intensifies.

Implications of Performative Masculinity

Recent data from the dating app Hinge reveals a significant disconnect between what men believe women desire and what women actually value in relationships. In a survey conducted in August 2023, 72 percent of women expressed that they prioritize effort in building relationships over financial wealth. Men, however, often assume that physical attractiveness and economic status are more appealing, which can lead to misunderstandings and disappointments.

Shumway identifies two main behaviors exhibited by performative males: either flaunting social status, physical strength, and wealth, or showcasing emotional depth in a calculated manner. While the former may attract superficial interest, the latter often lacks authenticity, leading to unsustainable relationships.

Being a performative male may yield initial validation, but it ultimately poses significant drawbacks. Shumway emphasizes that individuals cannot grow if they are constantly putting on a façade. This performative behavior can create a disconnect in relationships, leaving partners feeling unfulfilled and skeptical about their connection.

The cycle of self-doubt perpetuated by performative masculinity can also drive relationships apart. Shumway notes that even a deeply loving partner may struggle to bridge the gap created by an identity built on performance rather than genuine connection.

To transition from performative behavior to authentic self-expression, Shumway encourages self-reflection. He suggests that men should examine their motivations and consider the implications of their actions. Therapy can provide a supportive environment for exploring these issues, but meaningful friendships that value honesty are equally important.

Engaging in real conversations, even about seemingly mundane topics, can foster vulnerability and connection. Shumway advocates for environments that encourage authenticity, such as group therapy sessions, which allow men to practice being genuine and strengthen their emotional resilience.

Ultimately, the journey towards authenticity involves consistent efforts to express one’s true self, moving away from the pressures of performative masculinity. Embracing vulnerability and honesty allows for deeper connections and personal growth, paving the way for healthier relationships in the modern dating landscape.